GUTFELD’S FIRST ANNUAL TURKEY BOWL

By Greg Gutfeld
Host, “Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld“/Editor, The Daily Gut

Watch “Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld” Monday -Friday at 3 a.m. ET.

In no particular order, I think.

MADONNA: Forever an example of how NOT to age gracefully, she’s exercised her physique into a tortured coil of rope. She could pass for a sailor’s knot or a portion of a pachyderm’s intestine. But her real crime is, on tour, flashing images of President Bush up on screen, next to folks like Hitler – is it any wonder Guy Ritchie is the happiest man alive right now?

SANDRA BERNHARD: – Madonna’s ex could win a turkey award simply through her uncanny resemblance (even without feathers)- but it’s worse than that. In one of her performances, she made a sick comment about Sarah Palin, suggesting that Sandra’s “black brothers” should rape her if she ever came to Harlem. It amazes me how little the press covered this — if it were Jackie Mason saying it about the first lady-to-be, he would have been dead. Sandra is a bitter racist — proof that those who claim to be the most tolerant, are usually the least.

JOHNNY DEPP: It’s bad enough he has those cheekbones. He actually has more to answer for: piracy. Every day, we see another large ship taken hostage by pirates. And who’s silent in all of this? Depp, who has made over a $100 million glorifying what really is an awful activity. Depp has come to symbolize the glorification of evil and the reflexive rejection of all things good. We get it: bad people are more interesting than good people. Not, however, when it happens in real life. Ask any victim.

AL QAEDA: The only thing worse than flying planes into buildings? Insulting the Messiah. And when Al Qaeda called Barack Obama a “house negro,” that’s exactly what they did — earning outrage from — get this — American Muslim groups like CAIR. Mind you — CAIR rarely gets outraged about anything, including terror. Al Qaeda better apologize soon or they may earn a disappointed chuckle from the president-elect.

“THE VIEW”: Where to start, and where to end? There is not a single redeeming feature to this program — the entertainment equivalent of the innermost circle of hell, where ignorance and hot flashes meet — culminating in loony tunes conspiracy theories and crying jags. Joy Behar realized early in life that opinions require no factual basis — just stare at the camera and say, “isn’t he a big jerk?” about no one else but Bush. Barbara Walters pretends to be the classy one – but really she’s just a carnival barker trapped in a Mary Kay nightmare.

FADING CELEBRITIES: Tim Robbins. Margaret Cho. Sean Penn. Matthew Modine. Tim Daly. Never before in the history of our society have so many said so little about so much. They cling to the belief (the way the rest of us cling to our guns) that America should ashamed of being America – and that we owe the whole world an apology for basically feeding and saving the world. Meanwhile, they continue making terrible movies and clogging the airwaves with self-absorbed pap. With Obama in office, will they finally shut up? Yeah, right.

ASSORTED BLOGGERS: This year we saw a few good people die, and a lot of anonymous bloggers taking pleasure in it. Whether it’s the Daily Kos or Gawker, there exists within the same mentality found in a bathroom wall scrawler — cowardly evident in anonymous commentary and mockery of other’s misfortune. It was indeed gratifying to see some of these websites — who often take pleasure in the downsizing of their peers in other media outlets — be forced to fire some of their own spiteful little soldiers. Where was the mockery then? Not here, fellas. We’ve got class!

JENNY MCCARTHY: It was just a few years ago that health experts were in a rage over vaccines and their link to autism. When I say health experts, I mean you know, Jennie McCarthy. Even though there was little evidence to show that a preservative called Thimerosal caused autism — it didn’t matter — because when a celebrity takes up a cause – science becomes secondary. But this year new research shows what the real experts knew all along — that there was no link between autism and this drug. In fact, autism continued to increase, even though the preservative was removed from vaccines.It makes you wonder how many parents avoided vaccinating their kids because of the obnoxious blatherings of morons. The real question: will any of these bozos now admit they are wrong? I’m not holding my breath, because I learned in medical school that holding your breath gives you rickets.

BRAVO CHANNEL: Look, I love “Project Runway” and all that other crap — but the fluffy content of the channel has spawned a new way of speaking: what I call Enervation-X – in which men speak from the back of their throats — saturated with ambivalence – as though every word they utter is as hollow as Rachel Zoe’s botoxed head. In the world of fashion, I suppose, nothing is ever a big deal. Which is why love Gordon Ramsey, where everything is.

THE NEW YORK TIMES: On their front page this year they ran a piece on American war veterans, basically painting them as homicidal maniacs, committing up to 121 murders total, stateside. But this is The Times, of course — so you know what they leave out is always more important than what they leave in. Fact is, the murder rate for returning vets is only one-fifth of that of young Americans who did not fight. The take home message: if you want to make peace, make warriors. The truth is, Times’ writers do this stuff because the closest they’ve ever gotten to a soldier is to snicker at the Salvation Army lady at Christmas time. It’s easy to believe bad things about people you never met. Which is why they also despised Sarah Palin, the turkey “executioner.”

ANTI-WAR MUSICIANS: This year Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young and Pearl Jam made an anti-war soundtrack to accompany an anti-war movie. Sorry, isn’t it a little late? With thanks to General Petraeus, the war has turned around. And I feel bad for these celebs — it’s got to hurt to be anti-war –when it looks like the other side is winning. The other side, being, US. Yeah I know: we’re going to be there for a while. But not even Obama is going to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory — which is why he’s now BFF’s with Robert Gates.

USA TODAY: This year, the nation’s largest high school paper ran a piece noting that dozens of cities with populations over 100,000 haven’t lost a servicemember in the Iraq war. The list included crime-free, economic powerhouses like…. Oakland and Fort Lauderdale. Analysts suggested that recruits probably come from less-populated areas, with crummier economies (than Oakland!!) – so their career choices are limited.. The gist of this stupid article: people volunteer because they have no choice – not because they are patriotic. The real truth: USA Today cannot understand why anyone would give up a comfy life to wear a uniform. The reason can only be one of desperation – never of conviction. Imagine USA Today during WW2. Morbidly obsessed with lists, no life would be worth sparing, even if it ended the Holocaust.

BEN & JERRY’S: Of course, they endorsed Barack Obama for President, lending two “Obamamobiles” to give away “Cherries For Change” ice cream. The hippie millionnaires explain that Obama represents real, inspirational change. Just like heart-stopping ice cream. And that’s my point: Change means nothing if it’s not defined as either good or bad. For example, Ben & Jerry’s has definitely changed our country… by killing off fat people. My guess is that Ben & Jerry’s, since their inception — has probably killed more folks through heart attacks, than the number of American soldiers who gave their lives in Iraq.

ETHANOL SUPPORTERS: Faced with imminent destruction of the planet due to global warming, farmers are now forced to turn crops into fuel. Ethanol, that is. This has forced farmers to raise their prices, which they don’t mind – and reduce supplies of food. And here’s the heart of global warming theology – and it is a theology: a fundamental self-loathing for the human race, knitted into an overpowering sense of self-importance. The selfish, all-consuming human is what’s wrong with the world — and hooray for me! — the sensitive, intelligent Prius driver, for pointing it out. Which means –with a reduction in food and rising prices — we’re approaching what the Gores of the world really want — the sacrifice of humanity for a false god: global warming.

ALL PUNDITS: Telegraph.co.uk unveiled its list of the 50 most influential political pundits in America. I am not one of them. However, David Gergen is. If you don’t know who David Gergen is –- imagine a sock dipped in flesh, gargling on a gerbil. Also on the list: Howard Kurtz, a walking hairpiece. And Mark Shields –- who was a mime back in the 70s with Lorene Yarnell. Paul Begala is also there, a giant thumb with sad eyes. And what’s a list without James Carville, a skull on a lollipop, possessing a vocal delivery that suggests something smaller and far more alien lives inside his mouth. If you look at the list you’ll find that they all have something in common — they’re unattractive. Is it my fault, that as a pundit, I am handsome? I believe we live in an age where we can’t accept our pundits unless they look like pundits. This “punditism” has created a glass ceiling for handsome gents like me whose only strategy now is to gain weight and shave my head. I’m starting now.

AND THE WINNER: The Yale student, Aliza Shvarts, who claimed she artificially inseminated herself and then induced miscarriages as part of her senior art project. After getting a pile of attention, it’s now been announced that it was a “creative fiction,” otherwise known as a ghoulish hoax. The associate dean and vice president for public affairs Helaine S. Klasky said the whole exercise was to draw attention to “the ambiguity surrounding form and function of a womans body.” And this is the crux behind performance art – it’s never supposed to do anything but raise awareness of raising awareness. Performance art exists only to perpetuate the myth that performance artists have something to say – when instead they’re untalented goons in desperate need of a solid kick in the ass. But speaking of ambiguity, there should be none among parents thinking of sending their kids to Yale.Your performance art should consist of you running as fast as you can to another campus.